Movie Review - Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist (2 of 5): Damn, this movie was a huge disappointment. That is really all I need to write for a review, but I guess I should explain. I went into this movie expecting three things: 1) a good performance from Michael Cera, who I think has awesome comedic timing and potential (just watch Arrested Development); 2) a great soundtrack; and 3) a nice coming of age story. Unfortunately, Nick & Norah satisfied none of these expectations.

This is a film about Nick, an emotional pussy who just can't get over being dumped by his hottie - way over his head - girlfriend. How they ever got together in the first place is never explained. He is in a band with two gay guys that are annoyingly self-aware and comfortable with their status as homosexuals, despite the fact that they are teenagers in high school. Nick gets out one night in his beat up Yugo and meets Norah, who is coming off an on-again/off-again relationship with her rocker boyfriend. Nick and Norah then proceed to have quirky conversations while getting to know each other in a series of ridiculous circumstances.

My grievances with this movie are many. First, everybody in this film is so self-aware and confident in their personality that it makes you want to puke. Really, is any teenager actually this comfortable with their identity? This is not a realistic coming of age story in the vein of Breakfast Club or American Graffiti. No, the characters in this story already act and converse as adults, even though their circumstances and actions would dictate otherwise. Second, Nick & Norah's night is never ending. They do and see so much in one night it becomes completely unbelievable and all of this is topped off with forced relationships an unrealistic dialogue. Finally, for a movie with "infinite playlist" in the title one would expect some good music, right? Wrong. I can't name a single memorable song in this movie - the soundtrack was crap.

I can't recommend Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. It's a completely forgettable film and the people who wrote it need a reality check. Also, after this movie, Juno and Paper Heart, Michael Cera really needs to get some new material to work on before he is perpetually typecast as the "loveable dweeb".

Movie Review - Session 9

Session 9 (2 of 5): Session 9 centers around five hazardous materials workers who are cleaning asbestos out of an abandoned mental illness hospital. One of the workers finds some old tapes to listen to that chronicle the sessions that a mentally ill patient had with her doctor. As the patient’s story is slowly explained, one of the workers disappears and other things start to happen that make the workers start to question each other.

That’s all I will bother telling you about, because you’ll never watch this movie. At least I hope you won’t. Session 9 is boring with no real payoff or scares. Although its tone is generally creepy, as a whole the film feels more like a poorly produced made for TV movie. The film was shot in a real life abandoned mental hospital, but the weak story and scares sure don’t justify the expense this production probably went to in order to shoot at that location. There are maybe three creepy scenes in this movie and only one of them really scared me.

Other than that it is an utter waste of two hours. Although, the film is generally eerie and tense throughout, there is no payoff that makes it worthy of your time. What should have been a very cool premise for a horror movie was ultimately handled poorly and turned into a less than stellar film.

Move Review - Blade Trinity

Blade Trinity (2 of 5): Wow! Want to see how to completely kill a successful movie franchise? Just watch Blade Trinity. This film effectively destroys the coolness that was created with the first two Blade movies by giving us a campy follow-up of bad story, bad CGI, bad acting, bad writing, bad comedy and bad fight choreography. I am not going to provide my usual synopsis of the story in this review. It should be enough to know it has to do with the return of Dracula. Sounds cool, huh? Too bad this film absolutely blows it.

I think Wesley Snipes was looking for a quick paycheck with this one because the whole production seems wacko, especially the casting choices. I mean, who puts Ryan Reynolds in a movie like this? He is one of my favorite comedic actors, but his usually funny humor is so uncomfortably forced and out of place in this movie it is pathetic. Parker Posey is awful too and can barely talk with fake vampire teeth in her mouth. There is even a crazy scene of Dominic Purcell as Dracula walking down the street to some sort of music. It plays out like a really bad rap video from MTV and actually made me laugh.

In my opinion, the only thing that even remotely redeemed this movie is the cool costume effects that were used for Dracula. In this day and age of CGI, it would have been easy to make Blade fight a computer generated character. Well, maybe not “easy” for this film’s production team, but you get my meaning. Anyway, I thought it was refreshing to see that an actual costume was created and used. It definitely added to the realism of the character. Oh yeah, and Jessica Biel was easy on the eyes too (thanks for reminding me of that Maverick!).

Ignore this film. The first two Blade movies were entertaining while maintaining a sense of realism and consequence that the the third film forgoes and substitutes with camp.

Movie Review - Shrek The Third

Shrek The Third (2 of 5): This movie should have been called Dreck The Third because it sucks. I was highly disappointed with this film. Basically, it is about Shrek trying to find an heir to the thrown after Fiona's father dies. He finds out Arthur (as in King Arthur) has family ties and then sets out with Donkey and Puss In Boots to go get him and bring him back. Unfortunately, while they are gone, the happy kingdom is overtaken by Prince Charming in a vie for power.

Anyway, the movie is quite a departure from the first two movies, both of which I really enjoyed. The story is so unimaginative and uninteresting that it actually bored me a few times and I considered a nap. Nothing really happens with the characters. Except for Fiona's pregnancy (which could have been a great movie all by itself) none of the characters are really developed. Everything becomes boring and repetitive and this movie has way too many characters with nothing to do that are making return appearances. I also did not find this film as funny as its predecessors. Although I was never a huge fan of all the pop-culture comedic references in the first two (because it is such easy/lazy humor to write), they are largely missing from the third and the movie actually feels empty as a result. Maybe I was expecting them. Similarly, as much as I hated the Smashmouth theme song (gosh, maybe I didn't like the first two movies as much as I though! :)) this third movie has a very lackluster soundtrack.

Well, if you are a kid I am sure you liked it, but if you are an adult, you should know that there is a lot less entertainment in this film than in Shrek 1 or 2 that will appeal to you. Hopefully this is as bad as the series gets, because guess what folks - we are going to be treated to a Shrek 4 and 5 within the next few years! Gosh, I love sequels!

Movie Review - Miami Vice

Miami Vice (2 of 5): I knew Miami Vice was going to suck, but for some reason I felt oddly compelled to watch it anyway. At the very least, I thought it would entertain with some great explosions, cool car chases, and hot women. Too bad this movie contains none of the above. Actually, it is kind of hard to really figure out what this film was about. You're just sort of thrown into the story without any exposition or character development, and since everybody either super-cooly grunts their lines or has a really bad accent, I spent most of the film just trying to figure out what people were saying. Then, throughout the rest of the movie I was mostly just distracted by Colin Farrel's annoying haircut and bushy mustache. The story goes nowhere with characters you could care less about and an ending that is absolutely abysmal. If there was one thing I liked about this movie it is that the gunfight at the end is actually very well filmed, making the visuals and sound highly realistic and entertaining. Too bad most people probably missed it by leaving the theater early.

Movie Review - The Science of Sleep

The Science of Sleep (2 of 5): The Science of Sleep is written and directed by the same director/co-writer of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, so I was naturally excited to see it since I think ESSM is a fantastic movie. The Science of Sleep is about a timid young man who can't control the fantastical plots and images of his dream world from intruding into his waking hours. Failing at his new job, he finds inspiration in his neighbor, Stephanie. However, his waking insecurities threaten to destroy their relationship.

Although I thought this movie demonstrated some very creative and imaginative dream sequences, they do not save the film from being an overall bore. The characters act in really bizarre and unnatural ways in their interactions and the story becomes muddled and confusing. You can’t relate to these characters because their interactions are so confusing, so the movie just becomes a lot of weird dreamy sequences strung together with arguments and reconciliations. Plus, the ending to this movie is terrible.

Movie Review - 300

300 (2 of 5): Okay, I think I am going to get a lot of grief for my stand on this movie, but here it goes: 300 is not that good. I was ready to love this film, but by the end I found it to be mostly a disappointment. 300 is a fictional account of a real life Spartan battle. Based upon Frank Miller’s graphic novel of the same name, it is the story of 300 Spartan warriors who hold off an invading Persian army of millions in the battle of Thermopylae.

This movie is pure eye candy, and if you fit the target demographic for this film (18-24 yr old, male, videogame player, Amp^TM drinker, bi-curious fraternity member) I am sure you loved it. However, for the rest of us, let’s be a little more critical. Sure, 300 provides some great action scenes of battle and manly hardcoreness, but I think little else. You likely know that this movie is extremely violent and highly stylized, and although the battle scenes are very creative and exciting to watch at first, they soon become monotonous and then downright tedious/boring after the 1000^th slow-motion bloodletting with patented “splurch” sound effect. Trust me, two hours of slow motion giggling man-boobs gets really annoying. Did I mention this entire movie is in slow motion?! Think about that… Anyway, taken separately, the battle scenes are fun, exciting, visually awesome, and for the most part a pretty good time. Yet, taken as a whole, they are an exercise in patience.

Since this is getting too long, I will wrap it up. My other major complaints are that the film is filled with too much melodrama, clichés and an out of place political back story that feels tacked on. You are also told how great Sparta is about a million times over, so be ready for a brainwashing. In all honesty though, I do give a lot of credit to the movie on a technical level because its cinematography, f/x and production design are absolutely brilliant. Overall though, the film can’t be saved from being a shallow experience – one devoid of truly good story telling or characters to really care about.

Integrity...Service...Downtime

Over the past 6 months, I had very little opportunity to watch any real movies. I did however have plenty of time to sleep on a prison-like bunk, sharing filthy living quarters with a bunch of other guys, (one of which, only owned 2 pairs of torn T.J. Maxx underwear), and taking mildly homoerotic, steamy group showers. In addition, I learned a few things:

1. Drinking 14 shots of Tequila that is older than yourself, can take away your desire for Tequila.

2. Female arm wrestlers, although very tough looking, are in fact not stronger than me.

3. Some movies are not meant to be viewed over, and over again.

Case in point, there were occasional times when there was a "break" in training. During these times, in between insulting each others mothers and and hoarding Oreo cookies, I was able to view a small collection of movies. Some classics, others...well, see for yourself.

Full Metal Jacket (5 of 5): This one gets a good rating, not only because it is a great movie, but it was kind of the theme of the entire training. Running, getting yelled at, a fat guy in my class that looked like Pyle (you know who you are). It certainly provided some great quotes for our time spent. (Times viewed: 2)

Dumb and Dumber (5 of 5): This may seem like a gracious score, but really, it's a movie that still provides laughs each time you see it. Also, I found several new funny lines and actions in the movie that I had never noticed before. (Times viewed: 3)

Smokey and the Bandit (3 of 5): I know this movie is probably sacred to Nascar fans and white trash (is there a difference?), but to people who don't weld, or pour concrete for a living; it's not worth multiple viewings. Although, it is amazing just how "non-politically correct" Sheriff Buford T. Justice is in the film. If you still own a VCR or Beta-Max, go check it out for yourself. (Times viewed: 2)

Blackhawk Down (2 of 5): Josh Hartnett is a clown shoe. I don't buy into any movie he is involved in, and as discussed at length many times before with Movie Guy #1; If there are actors in a movie who I dislike, the movie is pretty much ruined for me. (See: Fight Club) Now, if the movie had Tom Berenger, and was all about sniping bad guys...5 stars easy. (Times viewed: 2)

Spaceballs (2 of 5): I think this movie is horribly over-rated. Maybe because every weekend, it seems to be showing on WGN or TNT, and I am totally burnt out on it, but I have never found it to be that amusing. Not even in the 6 month long mini-hell, was I able to really laugh at any "Schwartz" jokes. (Times viewed: 1)

Marked For Death (2 of 5): My favorite Steven Seagal movie of all time! The only reason this doesn't get a score of 1 of 5, is because at least the soundtrack is good. I use to have it on cassette. It's all Reggae. Also, the fight scenes and dialogue are funnier that Spaceballs. (Times viewed: 1)

Death Warrant (1 of 5): Are you kidding me? Who keeps green-lighting all these Jean-Claudde van Damme movies? It pains me to even rank this with a 1. It must have been a banner year for movies in 1990. This piece of shit, along with Marked For Death were released. I can't believe this movie made $15 million in the theatre.

Now maybe I can get back to real life, and start watching some good movies. Does anyone know when the next Look Who's Talking movie comes out?

Movie Review - The Illusionist

The Illusionist (2 of 5): This film is set in early 1900s Vienna and centers on a magician who falls for an aristocrat well above his social standing. They fall in love, but when she becomes engaged to the Crown Prince, the master magician must use his powers to free her from her unwanted marriage.

Pretty basic story really, with the added element of magic. There are some strong actors in this movie (Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti) and they do their best, but the material just doesn't justify their work or their forced period accents. When it all comes down to it, this movie fails as both a drama and a mystery.

I never felt like I really cared about the characters because the stories all felt too rushed, especially the love story. Also, early in the movie you can pretty much figure out exactly how this one is going to play out. Then, the end offers this big "M. Night Shyamalan-esque" reveal as the inspector pieces everything together, which just comes across as hoaky and unnecessary. Finally, I hated how there was no explanation at all of how the Illusionist was performing his tricks! I understand that magicians need to have their secrets (even in movies), but there was absolutely no description of how he was pulling off some major illusions. This is very frustrating because the movie leads you to believe that he has supernatural powers and can conjure up dead spirits yet never explains if that is the case. Add to these complaints a handful of plot-holes and you have yourself a pretty mediocre movie.

Skip this one. Instead, I encourage you to watch last year's other magician movie, The Prestige. It was far superior.

Movie Review - Land of the Dead

Land of the Dead (2 of 5): Here is another suck-ass movie that I wasted my vacation watching. Why you ask? Not sure really. I guess I thought the potential for a cool zombie movie is pretty high today given all the cool special effects available to movie makers.

Although the special effects are pretty good in this movie and I do enjoy the over the top blood and gore, the story just never reaches the height it should. It's a shame too, because Land of the Dead starts off with good potential. The world has been taken over by zombies and only small groups of humans still live in camps and other communities around the globe. This premise would have been enough to make a cool movie about survival in this harsh new reality. Too bad...

Instead, the viewer is treated to a stupid plot about a guy who just wants to get out of town. But before he can do that he has to kill an acquaintence and former work collegue for the evil reining big-wig controlling the human settlement. If this story is not dumb enough, then add the fact that the zombies are starting to learn! They are getting smarter, organizing and rebelling against the human settlements. Lemme tell you, smart zombies start to look and sound a lot like human retards, drooling and moaning everywhere. Before long, you'll think your watching the special olympics. All of this makes for one LAME movie.

Movie Review - X-Men: The Last Stand

X-Men: The Last Stand (2 of 5): This is the third movie of the X-Men franchise and by far the weakest of the three, putting an end to the momentum and coolness that the first two movies were building up. This is primarily due to the fact that this movie tries to cover too much and ended up without a very cohesive (or interesting) store line. Not only are we introduced to a slew of new mutants including: The Beast, Juggernaught, Angel, and a bunch of no-name Brotherhood of Evil Mutant enlistees, but we also have the loss of some very significant characters and the return of Jean Gray as The Dark Phoenix. Unfortunately, all these elements are too much and the movie collapses under its own weight. All of these elements, especially the Dark Phoenix story, should have had their own movies. Instead, we get a mish mash of cool concepts and moments filled in with some rather lame dialogue and crappy character development. The most irritating thing of it all is that I can think of a multitude of ways in which everything that happened in this movie can be completely blown off and "written-out" of the franchise as a whole if a fourth movie is ever made. Since I know fan reaction has been harsh, this will probably happen, making the film a complete waste of time. Skip this suck-fest and hope Bryan Singer comes back to helm the inevitable fourth film.

Movie Review - High Tension

High Tension (2 of 5): Now, here is a movie that I was really getting into and quite enjoying, right up until the last 20 minutes or so which totally ruined, and I mean ruined, the entire film. We follow two girls who are going home to one of their parents' house to do some school studying before exams. The night they arrive all hell breaks loose when a psycho killer arrives at the house. The remainder of the movie follows the two girls as they try to escape the grasp of the murderer. This movie is very graphic and bloody! Honestly, there were some scenes that were just so gratuitous that I had to just squeal in glee. Although some scenes are hard to stomach, it was all in good fun. Then, the end... Poof, there goes a pretty great movie given today's low standards in horror films (I am looking at you SAW). Anyway, if you totally have to see this movie, I suggest stopping it before the climax/twist ending, otherwise you'll be as pissed as I am. The ending makes absolutely no sense, no matter how you look at it. As a matter of fact, I challenge somebody to defend the the end and explain it to me so that it makes sense.

Movie Review - Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Dawn of the Dead (2 of 5): Sorry, I can't get behind this movie. Way too long and way too hokey. Maybe if I had not seen the recent (and superior) remake I would have liked this old one better. Although I can appreciate some of the social and cultural commentary present in this film, it wasn't enough to save it from being a horribly bad and often laughable movie - I know, its not supposed to be an Oscar contender. All I wanted was a scary movie, but instead I got a pretty cheesy B Movie that was not scary at all. I'll give George Romero one more chance to impress me with his zombie movies when I watch Land of the Dead later this year. Hopefully, it will be better than Dawn.

Movie Review - The Da Vinci Code

The Da Vinci Code (2 of 5): Since just about the entire world has read the book, this movie should not be much of a surprise. And for those that did not read the book, this movie still won’t be much of a surprise, especially since all the media hype has probably spoiled the ending for many – including myself. I was not impressed with this movie. It was totally cut and dry. I actually felt like I was reading the book while I watched the movie because of the way it is presented as long conversations of characters explaining things to each other. This presentation makes the movie feel like a boring history lesson – and I like history! I think that Director Ron Howard and company were afraid to take any artistic license with this movie, less they alienate the book’s millions of fans. Instead they settled for a long and drawn-out narrative of the book with a few infrequent action sequences thrown in to try and ramp up the suspense level. Unfortunately, this formula fails to hold the attention of the audience.

Movie Review - The Brothers Grimm

Brother's Grimm (2 of 5) : I gave this one a shot without much hope and was pretty much let down. It follows the Grimm Brothers as con artists who finally take a stand and do something honest by helping a town who is having its children kidnapped by a witch. You get to see the origins of the Grimm Fairytales as they happen to the brothers in their real life experiences. Sounds cool, but a poor story and crappy special effects make it rather boring.

Movie Review - Primer

Primer (2 of 5) : Primer is about two friends who unknowingly build a machine in their garage that ends up being a time travel device. I really wanted to like this movie, since I really dig movies about time travel. Unfortunately, it is one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen. The main characters just talk techno-babble to each other and the viewer is expected to understand what is going on. This is coupled with a story that doesn't make a whole lot of sense and leaves many unanswered questions, glaring plot-holes, and dropped plot-lines. Surprisingly, this movie won a couple awards at some independent film festival. I guess the judges understood it more than I did.